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Wednesday, April 20, 2005

In memoriam

Cake. That's the only thing that crosses my mind briefly before it slowly becomes a fuzzy memory...

I remember a photo of me, a few years old, a scrawny little boy with a big smile, eating cake with my aunt, with a spoon. Everyone was happy, everyone was smiling. I remember the last time I saw the photo it had a yellow tinge from discoloration. I suppose that's how old photos are supposed to look like.

She's always liked me, mostly because I was the only boy in the family who will carry forward the family name. So I was at least, important. I used to cook then too, I made burgers and there was a time I made lasagne...and I didn't even cook the sheets at all(well I was young and I didn't know), but she ate it anyway and said mm, that's crispy.

There was a period as well when she'd pick me up from school in her old, beat up Honda Civic. That's travelling 17km from PJ to KL just to send me back to my house on a 10 minute drive. I told her I could've walked but she insisted anyway. I didn't know why I felt embarassed. I guess I was too influenced by the crowd or something, but I shouldn't have been. Was I feeling like that because it wasn't necessary? Or was it because I felt out of place heading back in that old white car? As much as I hate to admit it, it was the car. But when you're that young you don't recognize effort. Somehow the things your 'friends' say have more effect. Then you spend your whole life making up for your stupidity.

As time passed by, she recessed into her own life a lot more. She was a private person, similarly like my character, didn't really like people getting close to her. But towards the end she didn't pick up her phone so it was very difficult to contact her, lest meet up for coffee. The last time I saw her we went for dinner just down the road from her house. She looked a lot older than the previous time I saw her, and some sadness in her eyes that I couldn't explain. But generally she seemed happy to see me. We had dinner, chatted about my life and the things I wanted to do. And she'd tell me that she hopes I can find a nice girl to settle down with one day. I never knew why that was important to her but it seems clearer now. It really was important. The saddest thing is that she won't live to see it.