Fight World Hunger

the answer to below-average internet content

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Thinking for 20 minutes

its cold. my neck hurts. my back hurts. i should go to the gym more often. why do i have so many bills. i can't afford to pay my bills and buy these stuff. i am not buying stuff anymore. i haven't bought anything for me for ages. i dont think i can do that for some time to come. i should be doing my accounts. i have already done it. i know what i have, i know what i don't have. i know a lot of things, i wish sometimes i didn't know so much, i didn't have so much then i wouldn't have to think about the,. i need to get out of here. i need to be someplace else, i need to be doing what i wanna do. i want to be alone. i can't be alone. i hate being lonely. it sucks to not have someone. it sucks to have someone sometimes. i hate problems, problems need energy and time to solve. i dont have energy. i don't have time. why am i always busy? i hate being busy. but i hate having nothing to do either. i want to do everything for a little while. but that would just make me busy. i need to be busy doing what i like doing. i ought to swear more. i don't know if my constant politeness will turn me into a homicidal maniac in the future. why do i have these dreams. i hate violent dreams. i need to calm down and do yoga. maybe i ought to attend more of that bodybalance shit they have at the gym. i will not be one of those people who pay for the gym but never go. i love the smell of a fresh gym. fear. fear is what keeps you on your toes. why do i keep thinking of phrases like that? does it make me seem smarter, more sophisticated. screw it. i just want to be normal. i don't want a lot of things i have. i need to unload them as quickly as possible. i just need a normal life, why is that so difficult to ask. i just want things done right. i want things done my way. i don't have the strength to have it my way anymore. i have lost my confidence. i have lost my stride. i don't intend to get it back. who the fuck needs a stride anyway. i don't need to get ahead in life. i just need to get things in perspective. thats all i need, that's all i want. i have too many things in my head. i want to smash things with my stick. come and annoy me someone, why do you want to annoy me on the road, don't you know that i can cause you so much pain and trouble. don't you know that i am already in trouble, i have nothing more to lose but you have so much to lose. you don't want me to go on a rampage. do NOT annoy me or there will be consequences. i rarely joke with you i will not let it go, i remember things. it may not be now, but it will happen. cross. Cross. CROSS me. try it and see. see how it will affect you. breathe. just nice easy deep breaths. think about a happy place. a happy thought. yes that is better. but it is at the back of my mind. i hardly forget. i remember everything. that is why i can be sweet. because i feel things that nobody does. why do you think that i am not trying when i am doing my best? why do you keep wanting more from me. why is it never enough. do i really bore you? i have tried so hard, and yet you do not understand that i have. you are not interested i see, in the things that i do. why wasn't i even informed about this. why do you always make like it is okay when it isn't. you know what, fuck that shit. it isn't going to happen. this is not what i want, this is not what i signed up for. everything has been sacrificed. but that is not enough. you will regret this one day and there will be little that can be done. breathe. breathe again. this is not my concern right now. i need to get things in order. what trouble. what kind of trouble am i in, officer? what do i need to know? how do i get out of this. i hate this feeling. the lights are too bright for my liking. why do i feel fear. i have no fear. i am the all powerful one, i am confident, i walk with a stride. my stride disappeared long ago. i am now broken. just let me know what is going to happen. i need to get out of this. i hate life right now. just let it go. take me away, i don't really care right now actually. i just want to be somewhere else. why do i love you strange little girl, why do i care about you. why do i like stroking your hair. she must not be involved in this mess. she must not be in my violent thoughts. i cannot allow this to happen. breathe again. i need to just concentrate on my breathing. breathe in, breathe out. if there is anything that i can do, i would have already done it. so i can't really do much. i need to go again. i need to face fate in the face and settle a score. i am too tired to be doing this shit. this isn't my thing. i need to go sleep. i am officially...blank.

Songs in my head 2

there are times when you're alone,
and think that life is more than this,
the times you thought you'd never,
give a chance to life a miss.

there are times when you were younger,
and think that everything is hard,
and there are times you thought you'd never,
wanna go far from where you are.

in desperation, there's hope,
in frustration, there's peace,
in darkness, there's light,
but being lost is a different thing.

you can't be found if you are hiding,
you can't seek if you don't begin,
until the end of time you find,
that you are back where you began.

i gotta find out if this really is me,
i gotta know what this means to me,
its spinning too fast, not thinking straight,
not thinking at all this isn't me,
what does it mean, when you feel,
when you've lost all feeling, and told yourself,
that you just wanna be here. alone.
go away. i don't need this. take it back.
and leave me so that things can be alright.
so that i can live my life, again.

and i did. but this time, it was different,
silence amplified becomes unbearable noise,
erasing a memory is pointless,
the thoughts linger,
like tobacco aftertaste.

this is right. this is a life. my life.
i can't forget you, strange little girl.
it is alright to live again.