Fight World Hunger

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Saturday, June 12, 2004

the drama of life

keeping silent, keeping still,
being completely motionless,
so i arrived here,
without permission.
i just happened.

clearing my mind,
close my eyes,
try to think less,
really try this time.

sinatra and the big band sounds,
fill the air,
providing atmosphere,
filling the void,
by singing my life.

a different time,
a different life,
such simpler moments,
you can live, and forget,
and others will remember,
because it was special.

a life of neglect,
moments wasted away,
good thoughts, bad ideas,
great times, worse moments.

quivering hands, a familiar sight,
an addiction i can't kick,
a love unclaimed, denounced,
a love found, and lost again.

time will pass,
time needs to pass,
time and healing,
positive correlation, they say,
i hope they are right,
since i never trusted them.

fish in the sea,
canned tuna fish,
what of choice,
when its further from my mind.

how time passes,
and yet nothing happens,
something must happen,
something will happen,
there's too much drama in my life.
at some point, its got to stop.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

endless sleepless nights

I want to be different. I want to wear different clothes, do different things, be a different place. I just want to get out of here. I feel as though now, I don't belong anywhere. I can't do anything, go anywhere, be myself, without thinking about her. Its a fiery predicament of pain. I recently joined the gym, coz it had all these things for me to do, to fill up my time. Its a funny feeling, you know, to just head over to the gym every other day, and then hop on to one of the machines and start exerting yourself until it hurts, but you still have to go on, because it psychologically compensates for the emotional pain, its a great transfer of energy, from emotional pain to physical pain, until you can't go anymore, then you just sit there helpless. Tired. Perspiring. And walk back to the showers thinking that was the best workout you've ever had.

How long can I keep this up? A month? Two? How long before I can actually move on? I have a tendency to stay stuck in a place for a long time. Whatever works, you know. I don't want to meet new people, in a way. I don't know what to expect, I guess that's what alone time is, just being alone and trying to recalibrate where I am, what I have to do, and reset my goals in life, since they have changed adversely, and almost suddenly, if I may add. I know what I want, its just that at the moment, I can't have it, and that's new to me. I just have to learn to deal with it. But I still feel that this situation is uncalled for. I have done no wrong...why is it so difficult for people to accept me as who I am? Who I really am. Is the person that is me simply not good enough? Perhaps so. Perhaps before I embark on a nationwide witch hunt of why I keep getting dissed, I have to find out if I'm having some kinda problem. Maybe its a psychological one, I don't know.

Pretty things don't last. This was how nature intended it. So I guess there really is nothing I can do about it. Its not a matter of giving up or putting a fight, because you can't force emotions, or simply rekindle them with some gift, at least thats the idea I'm getting. What can you do then, to stop from hurting? For me, I'm just running. Every day, if I can I just want to run, as I watch the cityscape below, I run. As I see the numbers increasing on my treadmill, I still run, even though my feet is burning, and I feel like collapsing, I still run, its a stationary form of running away from my problems, if there wasn't a treadmill I'd plunge to the grounds beneath...and that might not be so bad.